Dilemma
by Junny Jun
Summary: It had always been easy for Kaoru to claim Kenshin's past didn't matter to her. Yet, did she ever really have a reason and opportunity to forgive him for something his past had truly done to her? Just how much can Kaoru's love for Kenshin overcome?
1. Chapter 1: Rain

Dilemma Chapter 1: Rain  
  
Why did rainy nights more often than not draw out memories - specifically solemn ones - from the recesses of minds? Kenshin and Kaoru sat in silence despite each other's company, virtually as if they had agreed to ponder individual thoughts. The full moon would have appeared brilliant and beautiful had a clear night sky worn it as its pendant; at the moment however, it only escalated the somberness the rain and intrusive clouds rendered.  
  
"Kenshin?" Despite the long-due breaking of the silence, Kaoru's first word in almost an hour did not seem abrupt.  
  
"Mmm?" Kenshin replied, still appearing in reverie.  
  
"Do you think my father would be proud of me?"  
  
It was a childish question, really. Kenshin of course had not a clue as to what Kaoru's father was like. It was a question intended for an old friend, lover or family, who would have shared the grief when the person in question never returned. Despite such, Kenshin told her what she wanted to hear.  
  
"Of course Kaoru-dono. He would be so happy and proud to see the person you've become."  
  
The same reply would have come from any kind stranger; Kenshin was sincere in his reply though, and Kaoru was content.  
  
"I wonder what he would think of you, Kenshin." Kaoru continued wistfully.  
  
Kenshin could not answer that. He should have been the one to ask such a question. Indeed, what would Kaoru's father think of Kenshin? Kenshin frankly did not wish to think about it. Would he be happy to know that his daughter was living with the Hitokiri of the Bakumatsu? Would he be happy to know that living in the dojo that embodied the sword which protects life, was one who had quenched countless lives? Needless to say, Kaoru's father had also been in the same war, and consequently, killing had inevitably been in order. But would it matter to him that they would have battled on opposite sides, for the master of Kamiya Kasshin Ryu had been called upon to protect the then-current government?  
  
Such thoughts never really dawned on the two under the humid rainy night. Just as Sano and Kenshin set their differences aside in terms of their pasts in war, the fact that Kaoru's father was indeed against the forthcoming Meiji era did not seem to matter to anyone.  
  
An awkward silence fell upon the air around. Kenshin stood abruptly, and held his feet for a few seconds before turning towards the shoji.  
  
"Oyasumi."  
  
Kaoru did not even have a chance to return the words. She stared, a trifle puzzled at his action, at the again-shut shoji. She wondered if it was her fault for bringing up the subject, if it made Kenshin uncomfortable. But it was not brought up to imply something that Kenshin apparently thought about himself; she was genuinely curious as to what her father would think of Kenshin. And her with him.  
  
Without shrugging off the thoughts, Kaoru followed Kenshin's suit, shutting the shoji behind her as she readied for sleep.  
  
Kenshin continued to be perturbed by the question Kaoru asked hours ago. Would her father be especially happy, knowing that despite participating in the war, despite killing against his will to create peace namely for his daughter, Kaoru had been in danger countless times in the Meiji era? Because Hitokiri Battousai had entered her life? Like so many times, Kenshin wondered if he indeed was too bloody and stained to be with Kaoru.  
  
What Kenshin didn't have the knowledge to wonder, however, was if Kaoru's father would be happy – knowing that the man who was responsible for his death, for his daughter's loneliness and suffering, was living with and being loved by that very daughter.  
  
- - Author's Note: This will be my first proper fic, and I have two choices – to make this short and relatively sweet, or drag it out into the lengthy angsty piece I would prefer it to be. I have some ideas in my head, cliché they may be, that can make the story long and on a broad scale, but suggestions would be very nice. Please read and review! 


	2. Chapter 2: The Messenger Again

Dilemma Chapter 2: The Messenger Again  
  
There was no sign of the previous night's precipitation in the vicinity of the dojo. Kaoru awoke to the especially bright sun, still feeling quite tired. The light and her biological clock wouldn't allow further sleep though, and she rose lazily to change into a rather ordinary kimono. As she walked from her room, she noticed, rather expectedly, that Yahiko was not up so bright and early. Rather unexpectedly though, she also noticed that Kenshin was not up so bright and early either. Sneaking up to his respective room, she slid open the shoji a mere inch to confirm that Kenshin was very much asleep.  
  
He was human, after all. Kaoru considered it a good chance to take her time cooking up breakfast. The prior night's incident lingering at the back of her mind, she was gathering the necessary instruments and ingredients when a timid knock was heard from the gate. Kaoru walked hurriedly to open the smaller door to the right of the gate.  
  
"Hel -- oh, Shin-san!" Kaoru squeaked, either out of delight or simply surprise.  
  
The man in question was about half a foot taller than Kaoru, and appeared perhaps a few years older, but Kaoru knew better; he was probably as old as Kenshin. Shin was not his full first name, but people had always called him that. Indeed, he had always been rather popular with his clever and friendly personality, not to mention a boyishly attractive face and a slender, pleasant build. Shin had been a prodigy when it came to Kamiya Kasshin Ryu. As a result, Kaoru's father had allowed Shin, albeit reluctantly, to participate in the war in the Bakumatsu. He had been the one, over a decade ago, to bring the news of the sad death to Kaoru. Kaoru briefly remembered that Kenshin's childhood name also began with 'Shin...'  
  
"Kamiya-san. How have you been?" The so-called Shin-san inquired.  
  
"I've been fine... what bring you here?" Kaoru questioned, without sounding blunt.  
  
Shin stared at her questioningly. Kaoru blinked.  
  
"Tomorrow is your father's... when... he passed away..."  
  
Epiphany hit. Kaoru, her friends and her father's friends had always attended her father's cemetery every year. However, Kaoru had not participated in the preceding year. Chalk that up to certain business in Kyoto.  
  
"Oh... I'm so sorry I couldn't attend last year... and to think that I completely forgot this year!" Embarrassed and feeling quite guilty, Kaoru muttered.  
  
"That's fine... Dr. Genzai explained last year that you had very good reasons." Shin replied in an understanding manner.  
  
"Ano... do you have a place to stay? You are welcome to stay here, if you wish." Kaoru offered, not knowing what else to say.  
  
"I don't want to be intrusive, but I would very much appreciate it."  
  
And with that, Shin entered the door -- with him a presence and knowledge that would change Kenshin and Kaoru's relationship forever.  
  
Not a moment later, Kenshin made his relatively overslept appearance. Kenshin glanced at the unfamiliar man curiously, the pretense of indifference veiling his silent questions. Meanwhile, Shin's steps halted as his face conveyed incredulousness and, at the same time, doubt for whatever silent questions he too was asking himself. Kenshin looked on ever more curiously, befuddled by the stranger's reaction. It was gone quickly though, and Shin proceeded to greet the even-younger appearing man.  
  
"How do you do? I am Shin, a former apprentice of Kamiya-san's father." Shin talked and waited, obviously expecting a return of sorts.  
  
"...Kenshin. Nice to meet you." If Shin wasn't going to share his treasured surname, neither was he.  
  
Shin eyed Kenshin's sakabatou. Kenshin eyed Shin's katana. He must have been left-handed, for the positions of the two weapons mirrored each other. Questions clearly lingered on Shin's lips, but he seemed hesitant to ask.  
  
"Tomorrow is the day Kamiya-san's father passed away." Shin instead explained, eyeing the face opposite for a reaction.  
  
"Oh." Kenshin turned his vision onto Kaoru. "I did not know that. I'm just... a resident here, thanks to Kaoru-dono's kindness and hospitality." He finished.  
  
That seemed to give some comfort to Shin. Kaoru didn't seem overjoyed by the statement, but now was not the time to argue. When was it ever?  
  
"It's a long story, Shin-san. I was about to cook breakfast, so please have a rest."  
  
Kenshin, as usual, was about to offer a hand. But Shin had similar ideas.  
  
"I'll help you Kamiya-san. We can talk and catch up on the last two years." And with that, Shin entered the kitchen despite Kaoru's objections.  
  
Kaoru turned to throw Kenshin a genuine smile of reassurance before following Shin's suit, its exact meaning unknown to Kenshin. Kenshin stood and wondered what he would do. On an ordinary day he would occupy himself with laundry, but at present, washing clothes seemed to him like a distasteful activity. It was an unusual feeling; Kenshin felt that his pride would be hurt. In front of this man. Not knowing what else to achieve, Kenshin decided to take a walk.  
  
Shin heard and felt the departure. He eyed Kaoru gathering busily fresh and bottled ingredients, and allowed a few moments to pass before wording out his anxious questions.  
  
"Oh, Kamiya-san, what did Kenshin-san say his surname was?" It came out with complete nonchalance.  
  
"Himura." Kaoru seemed to find some fondness in speaking the name.  
  
Himura...  
  
For the second occasion that day, Shin couldn't help but feel as if his blood froze.  
  
"Battousai." It was a statement -- one that cleared his own doubts and confirmed his suspicions -- barely audible to Kaoru. "You are letting Battousai live in the dojo of Kamiya Kasshin Ryu."  
  
It was utterly unfathomable to him. No, it was beyond unfathomable.  
  
"Shin!" Kaoru snapped with disappointment and anger. "Don't you dare jump to conclusions. Don't you dare judge him."  
  
Kaoru was sick of it. She was sick of people like Shin, stating to her what she knew, assuming what they wanted to assume about Kenshin. How dare they? If one person in Japan deserved to be in this dojo, it would be Kenshin, according to Kaoru. They didn't know him like she did.  
  
Shin stared at her, his face conveying pure disbelief.  
  
"So you know, yet..." Shin stopped.  
  
He realized she was never told.  
  
She was never told the exact nature of her father's death.  
  
- - Author's Note: I wasn't good enough to make this chapter have the same mood as the first, but please forgive me... because I think I can bring it back very soon. I also honestly wanted to write a few thousand words per chapter, but I'm an impatient bastard :/ I wanted to get the second chapter out quickly. I'm currently traveling interstate, inquiring universities and stuff to get the course I want, as well as arranging where and how to live and move stuff, while my parents undergo divorce and I'm in the (proverbial) middle somewhere... Pardon my life story. Anyway, so I won't be able to write very much for a while, but once I get settled I hope to write thousands of words every week!  
  
Thanks for the reviews by the way. I finally know what all the authors feel like when they get these lovely reviews!  
  
Believe me I'm really really grateful for each and every review, but I'm a lazy bastard so I only reply to some reviews, ones that concern questions or explanations.  
  
Death by Wasabi: You may be right, I wanted to make sure before writing this story but I couldn't find out... so please assume for this story that they were on opposite sides. Also, regarding the killing, I probably made it a bit unclear – if it did happen, Kenshin doesn't know. I changed the words in the first chapter right at the end (added 4 words :) ) to make it hopefully clearer. These types of inputs are very appreciated, thanks!  
  
Laurika, Tiger, Bob-san, Koishi-Sweet, kik-ting, MZ. AMbER EYES: Thanks for the lovely comments, any suggestion like the one Bob-san made is very welcome. 


	3. Chapter 3: Lingering Truth

Dilemma Chapter 3: Lingering Truth  
  
Shin hadn't an idea of where and how to begin. It needed few words to explain, but how can one say such words with ease?  
  
"Kamiya-san. Himura is... Battousai is..."He began, but as expected, his words were hindered by his own hesitance.  
  
"Shin-san." Kaoru interrupted, managing to suppress her anger, understanding Shin's disapproval to some extent. "I know very well who Kenshin is. He's been living here for over two years. Many things have happened. So please, know that Kenshin is no longer like Battousai, and that I want him to be here." More than that, she needed him to be there.  
  
It was a simple explanation that needed no more words. Shin was exasperated. Kaoru had just made it a thousand times more difficult for him.  
  
"Kamiya-san. That's not the big problem. You see..."  
  
Again, Shin was not allowed to continue, for the sound of a sliding shoji was audible. Shin briefly and rather ridiculously wondered if Battousai had somehow made it back into the dojo, unbeknownst to the two in the kitchen, and had been eavesdropping all this time. Even knowing that it was very much unlikely, he uncharacteristically felt a tingle shoot up his spinal nerves at the thought. Battousai was one to pull it off if he wished to.  
  
To Shin's small relief, the person responsible turned out to be just a boy. Yahiko, just as Kenshin had done, stared at Shin curiously.  
  
"Yahiko, this is Shin-san. He was one of the best apprentices my father had." This time, Kaoru decided she would do the introductions. "This is Yahiko, my only student at the moment. He's learnt Kamiya Kasshin Ryu for over two years."  
  
"Wow! So he's mastered Kamiya Kasshin Ryu?" Yahiko spat out of assumption and excitement, any possible polite greetings forgotten.  
  
"Well, very much almost..." He would have, if his master hadn't died.  
  
"Can you check how I'm doing later?" Yahiko beamed to see a former Kamiya Kasshin Ryu prodigy. Of course, he liked to think he was one also.  
  
"My pleasure." Shin smiled. Despite Battousai's presence here, not all seemed to be out of order. Shin was genuinely proud to see such a young and enthusiastic disciple, be him the sole one under Kaoru, embracing the teachings of Kamiya Kasshin Ryu.  
  
He would inform Kaoru later. Acquiring that Battousai had taken residence here for over two years had greatly angered him, but it also induced him with substantial relief; at least, Battousai hadn't harmed Kaoru all this time. He wouldn't have reason to do so now, would he? Shin persuaded and comforted himself with such thoughts. But there was no way that he would let this be. He would surely tell her later. It was the least he could do for his deceased master. And his sole heir.  
  
Kenshin walked. Kenshin was an insightful one, especially when whoever that saw fighting as a part of life was concerned. Shin was a good man, showing pride and honour in his simple actions and expressions, yet he did not seem to display arrogance or selfishness -- nor did he seem like a moody person. Perhaps that was too much to judge even for Kenshin; at the very least, Shin did not seem like one to harm Kaoru. But Shin's response upon seeing Kenshin puzzled him. Kenshin wondered if Shin had just been extravagantly surprised to see a man in the house -- just as he himself had been, not quite so extravagantly.  
  
That led to other thoughts. Just what was his own place in Kaoru's dojo? Kenshin could recognize Kaoru's disapproval when he introduced himself to Shin as "just a resident..." Both knew it was untrue. After all that they had been through, both knew he was anything but just a resident. She had told him she wanted to be with him forever, on more than one occasion. And he had indirectly agreed many times; he had silently agreed before she had even spoken the words for the first time. But... definitely, there were still gaps in their relationship, potential steps in waiting. They were apparent and both knew they wanted those filled and taken. Was it his damned guilt that held him back? Or was he just not proficient at this type of thing? How long could he afford to hesitate?  
  
Upon asking himself the last question, Kenshin couldn't keep Shin's image from intruding his mind once again. Would Shin's presence prove any ill? Was Shin's intention solely to honour Kaoru's father for but one day? Kenshin was, ultimately, just a man -- he could have doubts and he was allowed to feel unjustified jealousy. But he quickly pushed aside any thoughts of misplaced jealousy or mistrust. He chose to reverse his steps back home, wherever his steps had taken him irrelevant. Yes, the dojo was his home -- forever, he hoped.  
  
Kaoru glanced from the gate to the clouds. When they had become so grey and plentiful, she had no clue. What was that Kenshin doing? Her worry escalated two-fold when she sensed a delicate drizzle -- admittedly pleasant coolness -- on her skin. Chalk that up to the recently unpredictable Tokyo weather. Kaoru briefly heeded Yahiko throwing all kinds of questions at Shin. He didn't seem to mind however, returning replies just as lengthy and animated to the curious boy. Shin had always been like that; child at heart, friendly to most, serious and sensitive when needed. Surely, he'd come to understand and accept Kenshin. In that respect, Shin's unfitting actions so far, few they were, had surprised, disappointed and angered Kaoru.  
  
By the time Kenshin made his appearance back in the dojo, he was seemingly soaked to the bone, corresponding to the now harsh downfall of cold water. Kaoru was readily available with towels, dry clothing and a hot bath, pouncing on him as soon as soon as his vague footsteps outside were heard. Kenshin made a heartfelt smile as Kaoru fussed over him. It wasn't the dry fabric, shelter or the hot bath that made him feel happy and comforted; it was Kaoru. She would brighten any day he had, one as gray and dull as this.  
  
Shin watched on from the dryness of the porch. He was one whose heart would normally warm at such a simple sight, but the sight before him only hurt and angered him. Why did things have to be like this? He couldn't delay it any longer; he had to tell Kaoru. If he didn't, he feared that he would lose the courage forever. On one hand, he wished he could just leave them be, but on the other, he felt duty for his master as well as Kaoru. But more than anything else, he couldn't help but feel abhorrence for Battousai. How dare he, after what he had done? It was indeed unfathomable, and it served as impetus; it had to be done now.  
  
Kenshin had settled into the steaming water. Admittedly, it was nice for someone else to prepare his bath, for once. He allowed his tired muscles relaxation, his soaking session in the wooden hollow lengthier than on usual days. After a while, he stepped out lazily, almost reluctant but selfless as ever. For he was sure Kaoru would like a bath also.  
  
But something was not right. Something was most certainly not right. A feeling of incredulous but absolute sorrow, utterly ethereal it may be, emitted from Kaoru's room. Kenshin hastily walked towards the room in question.  
  
"Kaoru-dono? Are you in there? Please let me come in." Kenshin pleaded, his desperation not quite apparent in his request. He doubted and wanted to doubt his own instincts, for the overwhelming external emotions he was sensing had not been felt from Kaoru -- not since the night and the short moment he bid her goodbye amid the fireflies. What on Earth was going on?  
  
A reply was not audible. But he knew she was in there. And Shin was in there too. Kenshin wondered if he would be invading their privacy, but he had to ascertain his senses.  
  
"Kaoru-dono, I'm coming in. Sumimasen."  
  
And with that, Kenshin timidly slid aside the shoji. There sat Shin, barely a foot from the door, his back greeting Kenshin. Kaoru sat opposite, her face downcast, her expression indescribable.  
  
- - Author's Note: I'm not sure how the writing was in this chapter, especially near the end. It could use some revising I think, but I thought I'd rather write more in that time :P It will become more angsty from here on, so please bear with it!  
  
The reviews... thank you so much! The second chapter got more reviews than the first, and I'm so happy. Suggestions from here on will be very much welcome as usual, but I do have ideas so don't think I'm too lost :P  
  
45, Koishi Sweet, Shadow Star, Maeve Riannon, gabby, Crystal Renee, Death by Wasabi, MZ. AMBeR EYES, Laurika, lord of chaos, kik-ting: Thanks so much for the reviews... I especially like the comments that seem to guess, want or wonder about what will happen in the story - it makes me feel so.. authory! Or, just sweet comments really make my day too (and you cheered me up in return Laurika).  
  
Of course, suggestions, constructive criticism, and even justified flames are very much welcome... Even just a blank review lets me know that you read the story and bothered to let me know you read the story!  
  
So please... read and review!  
  
(P.S. I'm not sure how to get double blank lines, bold or italic in the story, I'm uploading Word documents and they don't register when I upload... I'm too lazy to use Text files to use HTML tags, so using Word, can someone tell me how to get bold, italic or double blanks to remain when I upload?) 


	4. Chapter 4: Truth During The Bath

Dilemma Chapter 4: Truth During The Bath  
  
Shin had sighted Kenshin's disappearance into the bath from a fair distance, though knowing it would not be unbeknownst to the shorter man. Shin sighed. Now was the time, before any courage or impetus was lost. He made his way to Kaoru's room.  
  
"Kamiya-san. May I come in?" It was said with complete calmness.  
  
Unheard was a questioning pause from the opposite side of the shoji. A moment later however, the wood and paper door was timidly pushed aside by the young woman's hands.  
  
"Shin-san, what is it?"  
  
"May I talk to you about something?"  
  
"Not if it's another discussion about Kenshin." Kaoru's tone was almost acetic; it surprised even herself a little.  
  
Shin ignored the reply and virtually forced his path into the room. Kaoru stood aside and stared, a trifle offended by his actions. Shin took seat, his back closely facing the shoji. With rising anger as well as curiosity, Kaoru followed suit, facing Shin a few feet away. She did not bother to inquire about the subject matter on this occasion; she waited expectantly for Shin to introduce her to it.  
  
"Kamiya-san." Shin began after a few moments. "Do you know how your father died?"  
  
Well, she wasn't expecting that.  
  
"He was killed in the Bakumatsu. Aren't you the one who told us?" Kaoru was puzzled now; she hadn't a clue where this was leading.  
  
"Yes... But do you know *how* he died?" It was supposedly a different question this time around.  
  
"No. Should I want to know? Did you come in here to tell me how my father died, in step-by-step, scene-by-scene detail?" This conversation was fast becoming as distasteful as the previous one that day.  
  
"He was murdered by Battousai."  
  
Silence.  
  
To Kaoru, seemingly forever passed after those few words were spoken so abruptly, hastily and breathlessly by Shin.  
  
"Iya..."  
  
"I'm sorry, Kaoru-san." Shin said, his face downcast.  
  
"...You lie..." It was a wonder Kaoru managed even those few words. "You don't like Kenshin... You lie!"  
  
Seeing Kaoru's tormented expression made Shin almost wish he could say he was lying. But she had to know. There was no going back now.  
  
"Kaoru-san. Do you really think I'm a person who'd lie about something like this?" Shin reasoned.  
  
The words were barely registering to Kaoru. Her world was coming crashing down on her, for even if Shin didn't ask, she knew subconsciously that Shin would never lie about such a thing. Blackness was consuming all her consciousness, and Kaoru wished this was simply not happening.  
  
And then, hasty footsteps, rapidly approaching, were heard from outside the room. Both knew what, or rather who, was coming, and Kaoru desperately wished that Kenshin would not enter through the door; yet, she wished so, so much for him to prove it all false to her right then and there.  
  
Regardless, Kenshin burst into the room after muttering something Kaoru did not have the clear head to interpret. Kaoru looked up, her sapphire eyes piercing Kenshin's wide violet.  
  
Never in his life had Kenshin envisaged such a perplexed, perplexing, hurt, hurting, utterly heartbroken and heartbreaking gaze Kaoru pierced him with.  
  
- - Author's Note: For those that don't know, this chapter was added afterwards - so before, it was supposed to go straight from the now-chapter 3 to 5. That's why this chapter is so short, but I believe this little backtracking was necessary. If you had read up to chapter 5 already before I wrote this, please leave another review to tell me if this chapter sufficiently filled the gap! 


	5. Chapter 5: Irony

Dilemma Chapter 5: Irony  
  
There was silence.  
  
Kaoru looked on blankly, her eloquent expression pure poignancy to Kenshin.  
  
"Kaoru-dono... what's wrong?" What else was he to ask?  
  
Instead of words, tears emerged from Kaoru's face.  
  
"Kaoru! Tell me what's wrong!" Kenshin virtually shouted, anxiety rapidly creeping into his expression and voice.  
  
"You. What did you tell her." Kenshin all but accused the man seated in front of Kaoru.  
  
"The truth. You killed..."  
  
"No! It's a lie..." Kaoru now burst into tears. "You couldn't have killed my father... It's not true! It's not true... right, Kenshin?" She was pleading rather than accusing.  
  
What was one to think or say upon being treated to words like that?  
  
"I... I..." It wasn't often that Battousai was at a loss for words.  
  
The probability of being real whatever Kenshin was forced to think, based on the few words Shin and Kaoru gave, made his head spin, his heart in agony. A horrible feeling was creeping into all of his thoughts and senses at the prospective knowledge gained within s short moment.  
  
"I don't have knowledge of doing such a thing." Between it all, Kenshin managed to find some calmness and basic rational thinking.  
  
"I'm sure you don't remember each one of your countless murders." The words were cold, but Shin's strangely reasonable tone wasn't. "Of course I'd be lying if I said someone witnessed it. But there was too much evidence that you didn't bother or have reason to hide. All of the wounds showed that it was Battousai's sword skills that were responsible. And there had been two killings in the prior two nights, both known to be in your hands. And lastly, you left this." Shin reached into his gi.  
  
He pulled out an aged, crinkled piece of paper, approximately the size of an adult's hand.  
  
'Tenchuu.'  
  
Kenshin and Kaoru looked on, all animation frozen. Kaoru knew, solely from Kenshin's self-told story, of his old 'Tenchuu' ideals and that he left such notes to accompany his victims.  
  
"It was a cloudy night." Shin ruthlessly continued, though almost poetically. "There was a crescent moon. Kamiya-san was killed on an empty street. Four leafless acorn trees formed a square around the area. There was a cart about twenty feet away. Kamiya-san was returning from the Yamato- Ya restaurant, about three hundred feet from it when he was killed. His four companions were also killed." Shin told it as if it were yesterday that he returned from his errand to find his master's deathbed. "Two in the throat, one in the stomach, and the other twice into the chest. Kamiya- san was slashed in the stomach, back, leg and face."  
  
Kaoru stared at Kenshin through her tears.  
  
"I remember." Kenshin whispered.  
  
Kaoru grew more incredulous and agonized by the second.  
  
"I remember..." Kenshin repeated.  
  
It was too overwhelming for the young woman in the room. Her body and head created a thud as she lost consciousness.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Kaoru awoke, expecting the familiar sights and sounds; the sparsely furnished room, the sunlight penetrating the shoji, the birds chirping, and that distinct and serene feeling that was waking to the morning. Instead, blackness greeted her, and the wind chime along with it. It was night.  
  
Everything had been a dream.  
  
Or so she wished.  
  
The day's events registered to her once again, driving her to rapid depression. She would have begun to weep did she not feel another presence in the room.  
  
"Kenshin?" Despite what had occurred, why did she speak his name so easily?  
  
"Kaoru-san. You are awake." Instead, Shin's voice reached Kaoru.  
  
"Shin-san..." Relief or disappointment - Shin could not tell.  
  
"I am sorry for telling you the things before. I felt that I had to for you and your father." Shin realized bringing up the subject seconds after Kaoru had recovered her consciousness was not the most compassionate action, but he had to reason with her; she had to know that it had to be done for her own good.  
  
"..."  
  
"I know it must hurt, Kaoru-san. But would you rather have found out later? Or would you rather never have found out such a thing?" Shin reasoned.  
  
"Why... why do these things happen to me?" Kaoru spoke painfully.  
  
"I'm sorry." Shin both apologized and sympathized earnestly.  
  
"I'll get you something to eat." Shin rose to reach for the door.  
  
"Where... where is he now?" Kaoru asked, not looking up.  
  
"I don't know. He left after you fainted. I think he will come back though - his things are still in his room."  
  
Kaoru strangely felt relieved. Shin walked out to gather some food.  
  
Through the agony, Kaoru somehow started to think about what Shin had asked. Would she rather never have found out? Surely, she would be a substantially happier woman right about now - but she would virtually be living a lie then. And worse, the prospect of finding out such truth at a later date when... she and Kenshin have furthered their relationship would put her in pure hell -- not that Kaoru wasn't already in pure hell right now. Kaoru ceased her thoughts, for she couldn't think clearly for more than a second. Instead, tears threatened her once again, and she helplessly gave into them as she broke down into sobs.  
  
What irony. She had thanked Kenshin countless times, albeit silently, for taking her loneliness away; for bringing a family to her. She had told him that his past didn't matter, that his sins were forgiven. It had been easy for her to say it wasn't his fault Tomoe died, and it had been easy to be angry at people who held grudges against Kenshin for his actions a decade past. Yet, ironically, he had been the one to bring her the loneliness in the first place... and now, it certainly wasn't easy for her to say it wasn't his fault - that he had to kill, that his past sins were forgiven, and that his past didn't matter to her.  
  
As agonized and hapless Kaoru felt however, her situation was congruous with any painful revelation, any painful experience; no matter how much one wishes he or she never knew or experienced, knowing and experiencing are always ultimately for the better. And after time, she would realize just how important it is that the knowledge was gained, that the experience took place.  
  
--THE END--  
  
- - Author's Note: Just joking :P It's not the end, nowhere near it in fact. Sorry about the really short chapter after the really long time, I should have another chapter up in the next day or two... and I think the story will be written more easily from here on for a while. I really wanna write long chapters, but once I've written a bit, I get easily tempted to just post it as one chapter! Please tell me if you'd rather me post short chapters continually, or take more time and post longer chapters at a time. Or I'll just keep posting ridiculously short chapters and be proud of them :P  
  
Thanks so much for the reviews everyone, just the one reply from me this time, for CEEGEE. I don't know for sure, I've looked through the anime and manga but I can't find the exact info regarding when Kaoru's father went to war (or maybe I didn't look hard enough). So I figured most people wouldn't know either... and came up with the story. It's not intended to be AT, so please assume for this story that Kaoru's father fought in the Bakumatsu, against Kenshin. If you do find out the exact details, please tell me the page/episode reference or an URL.  
  
Please review! Reviews are the sole motivation for a fanfic author! The more I get, the more I want to write! 


	6. Chapter 6: Predicament

Dilemma Chapter 6: Predicament  
  
For the second time in the same day, Kenshin walked without destination. As if to mock him, rain once again began to tat on the dirt ground. It was an especially black night, but currently Kenshin couldn't care less.  
  
Kenshin let out a short laugh. It was a sadistic, ironic and scoffing laugh. Yes, he was a mockery, the best of all the derision in the world. Right then and there, he felt as if he should lie on the moist dirt and cry his heart out. And indeed, a few tears escaped his eyes, mixing with the rapidly intensifying rain.  
  
Yet again, he had been left to suffer. Yet again, he was forced realize he was never to find happiness. Yet again, his past had proved to be an invisible chain that would drag him and those he cared for into unbearable pain.  
  
His feet had taken him to an all-familiar spot; the riverside. Kenshin blank-mindedly made his way to the log. The streaming water was strangely soothing for his aching soul, and he stayed seated, not moving a muscle. Yes, he was like the river, never finding stillness, always muddied by the rain.  
  
Kenshin was so tired. His life was tiresome. What was the point of claiming to protect people, attempting to atone for his past, when his presence was only making those around him suffer? For the first time in his life, Kenshin felt absolute resentment for himself. He shouted into the air desperately, the heavens' sense of humor all too unbearable to him. And as if everything was its fault, he threw the sakabatou well into the river. He collapsed onto the grass, the now full-force precipitation diluting his uncontrollable tears.  
  
The food untouched, Kaoru stared into the ceiling. It was dawn, and there had been no sleep. Kaoru couldn't help but wonder where Kenshin would have spent the cold, rainy night. She knew he would probably have treated himself to nothing better than some lone tree. The thoughts of him only brought tears to her eyes, and her night-long depression continued to intensify.  
  
She lay like that for a few hours, virtually drowning in sorrow, until Shin's voice was heard from the other side of the shoji.  
  
"Kaoru-san. Do you still want to visit your father's grave today?"  
  
Certainly, she would. Kaoru felt that the very least she could do for her father was to visit his grave on his death date. After all, she had been living with his killer for over a year. Worse yet, she had skipped on the visit a year ago just to go find that very killer -- but with all the wrong motives.  
  
When Kaoru had readied herself, Tae, Tsubame, Dr. Genzai, Yahiko and a fair few old family friends and disciples had gathered at the dojo. Yahiko had no idea as to what events had occurred the prior day, for he had not been at the dojo for most of the hours -- likewise for the rest of the people. They instantly noticed how saddened Kaoru was, but mentally chalked it up to her father's death date. Yahiko was surprised and admittedly saddened by how sorrowful Kaoru looked; he wasn't expecting her father's death date to be so emotional for her.  
  
"Kaoru, where's Kenshin?" Yahiko asked timidly, finding it strange that he hadn't sighted him all morning. Tae and the rest also seemed to wonder.  
  
Kaoru froze. What was she to say?  
  
"He had to do something urgently. He, he will meet us there later." Shin hastily aided.  
  
A few of the group seemed surprised and curious, but nonetheless, the group made their way to the cemetery, few words shared along the way.  
  
It was inevitable that they passed the riverside. Kaoru glanced to the side from the bridge; maybe, just maybe he was there. He wasn't. Relief accompanied her disappointment at his lack of presence; it was better that he was not there, for the prospect of seeing or being seen by him was only painful to her.  
  
Then she sighted a certain object in the distance. Half of its length bathed in the river, it was approximately only fifty feet from the horizontally placed log. Suddenly, Kaoru began to run towards it, leaving behind her bewildered company. Kaoru reached her new-found destination within a flash, and she kneeled to pick up the object of interest, paying no heed to the muddy water seeping into her special kimono.  
  
Kenshin's sakabatou.  
  
Kaoru trembled, unwilling to interpret the meaning of this.  
  
He couldn't have...  
  
Desperately hoping that it was a mistake, Kaoru clutched the sakabatou and turned. Her company was staring curiously, a handful of the group evermore so.  
  
"...What's Kenshin's sakabatou doing there?" Yahiko asked, utterly confused.  
  
"..."  
  
"Where is Kenshin anyway? What's going on?" Yahiko knew something was most definitely not right.  
  
Kaoru made no reply, and began to walk once again. The group remained silent, Yahiko inclusive. He told himself he would find out soon.  
  
Yes, it was a mistake, Kaoru continued to tell herself. Kenshin must have dropped the sakabatou into the river accidentally -- and not himself along with it. All this time, he had lived in order to atone; he wouldn't end that now, would he?  
  
Kaoru walked dizzily, attempting to hold any calmness she could find in her head. Yahiko and the others looked on worriedly; Shin and Tae decided to give her support. Kaoru didn't object as Shin took her arm, laying it to encircle his neck and shoulder. Tae did the same, and Kaoru obliged, no sign of objection or gratefulness apparent on her face or in her lack of action.  
  
When they arrived at the cemetery -- along the way ignoring all looks Kaoru received from passers-by -- additional visitors were present, paying their respect to the former Kamiya Kasshin Ryu master. Kaoru freed herself from Shin and Tae's assistance, and paying no heed to words of compassion from the visitors, approached the rather fancy grave in question, already decorated with flowers and other ornaments. She kneeled carefully, her face downcast, as if her father's very eyes were piercing her with bitterness, disappointment and anger for something terrible she had done.  
  
What was she to say to him? Kaoru's guilt wouldn't allow her to even silently speak to her father. When she did finally silently address her father, she repented and asked for forgiveness. Yet, ridiculously, she soon found herself asking him for aid. She was torn between feeling anger, guilt and penitence for having been so ignorant and dishonorable, and feeling compassion and unfading love for Kenshin. It was a predicament that was like no other she, in the duration of her short life, had found herself in. And ironically, her deceased father, she felt, was the only who could aid in her anguish.  
  
Yahiko silently watched as Kaoru's emotions reached him, through his sight and through something more ethereal. His heart ached at the torn sight of her, and couldn't help but feel that there was more to this 'death date' than just the date of the man's death; it was pertinent to Kenshin and his lack of presence, somehow. He was dying to know, admittedly, but realizing it did not seem the smartest action to hound Kaoru about her sadness, he decided to hold his tongue for at least a day.  
  
Most of the visitors had left within half an hour, and Shin, Yahiko, Tae, Tsubame and Dr. Genzai, not to mention Kaoru, also readied to leave for another year. Shin sighed at the heavily solemn atmosphere -- he hated what he had caused, but he felt no regret. The least he could do was look after Kaoru now, at least until she was emotionally stable. Admittedly, he also felt an attraction to her; she had grown into a fiery young woman now, and despite -- or perhaps due to -- her father's absence, she had obtained quite a strong and caring personality that interested and pulled him. Shin certainly wasn't trying to take advantage of the situation though, and he felt guilty for harboring such feelings in these circumstances. Someone simply had to look after her, for his master and for her. And he couldn't help feel somewhat proud and honored that he would be the one to do so. After bowing to his master's grave for the final time, Shin led the way out of the cemetery.  
  
Dusk came quickly. Kaoru had practically collapsed onto her futon upon arriving home, and Yahiko had understandably stayed away from the dojo for the day. Shin stood in the courtyard of the dojo, finding the scarlet hue of the sunset strangely somber. Memories of kenjutsu in his youth, in this very dojo, were flooding back to him. He was not a person used to such a depressing atmosphere -- especially in this dojo -- for he normally found plenty of light and humor in any situation life threw at him. Shin again felt uncomfortable at the fact that he had brought on this whole painful scenario for Kaoru, though knowing what he did was the right act.  
  
Shin was briefly wondering what effect the story would have on Yahiko, when his head snapped up reflexively; a distinctive ki was slowly approaching the dojo. It was a very strange ki, overwhelmingly strong yet threatened rather than threatening. Shin opened the gate, almost certain of who it would be.  
  
Disheveled, dirty and his clothes still unpleasantly damp, Kenshin stood miserably. He held a comparatively clean piece of paper in his hand, rolled up as if to accentuate confidentiality. His eyes were nigh lifeless, and he spoke blankly.  
  
"I... want to speak to Kaoru-dono."  
  
"I don't think it's a good idea that Kaoru-san sees you right now."  
  
"Onegai... for the last time." Kenshin virtually pleaded, making no effort to force his way in; he simply had no courage or energy to do so.  
  
Shin contemplated the request. What would be better for Kaoru?  
  
"No. Do you know how much pain she is in because of you? I think it's better that she doesn't see you for a while... But that doesn't mean that you can't see her later." Shin was earnest even in his last statement.  
  
Kenshin knew Shin was right, but made a move to walk in regardless. Within a flash Shin struck at him with his katana, still sheathed, knowing that Battousai, despite his condition, would block or evade with ease.  
  
He didn't.  
  
Iron met Kenshin's head without mercy, and with an utterly painful crack, red liquid exploded from the right side of his skull. Shin stared, shocked, realizing that Battousai carried no sword; it was with Kaoru. He almost apologized, but quickly told himself that this was the man that had killed his master. He couldn't help but feel guilt and distaste at himself for attacking an unarmed, unsuspecting man however.  
  
"..You can't see her. It's for Kaoru-san's and your own good." Shin couldn't stop his voice from trembling just a little.  
  
Kenshin gazed at Shin, half of his face laved in blood, various emotions now welling up in his eyes. He bent down to pick up the scroll of paper he had dropped upon impact, and forcefully shoved it into Shin's free right hand.  
  
"Give her this then. It is all I ask. Onegai."  
  
And with that, Kenshin turned, walking with difficulty as overwhelming pain and blackness threatened to consume him.  
  
Kenshin's hatred for himself had grown even more. He had taken the easy way out. Had he truly wished for a last confrontation with Kaoru, nothing could have stopped him from getting it. However, the truth was, he was afraid to see her -- afraid to hear her voice, afraid to see her eyes, afraid to see her pain. Pain because of him. He had almost been glad that Shin so fervently resisted him, for he didn't have the courage for his unworthy self to even look at or be looked at by Kaoru for one second. Thus he had left everything to a piece of paper -- and he hated himself for that.  
  
He didn't know for how long he had walked, for it could have been for an hour or for a whole night. His head was swirling now, his vision barely valid, and the unbearable pain ever present.  
  
And finally, he fell, like the fragments of his letter that he never saw Shin tear up. His last thought was that of Kaoru; that he would never see her smiling face again, that he would never again in his life experience such short-lived happiness that she brought him.  
  
- - Author's Note: Finally, a more decent-length chapter! I promise I'll try to keep future chapters at least as long as this one. I think I am reasonably satisfied with the way I wrote this chapter, for I felt somewhat inspired right after losing $300 at the casino For those who noticed it, sorry about the chapter 5 screw-up that showed only the title... it's a (proverbial) long story.  
  
Thanks for the reviews as usual. For my readers that have been reviewing ever since I posted the first one or two chapters, please continue to review... otherwise I assume that you guys are losing interest in the story! And if you are, please tell me what I'm doing wrong and what you'd like to see in the story. And for the newer readers, please, please review to let me know that this story is constantly gathering new audience, however few they may be! Chapter-separate reviews, if you can be bothered writing more than one review for the story, outlining how the chapter compared to others, and what was done well or badly, are most welcome!  
  
So thanks everyone for the reviews... please, if you read the story, click that button below and leave one!  
  
!!NOTE!! For those that had read up to chapter 4 (now chapter 5) before this update, Chapter 4: Truth During The Bath is actually also a new chapter that I decided was helpful to the story and thus went back to add (before, the story went straight from the current chapter 3 to 5). So... read it! That's the reason why there are suddenly 6 chapters, for this update actually consists of two new chapters. And I would appreciate it if the older readers gave a separate review for that chapter, telling me if it helped to the story! Thanks! 


	7. Chapter 7: Another Stupid One

Dilemma Chapter 7: Another Stupid One

Kaoru blankly reached for the sakabatou at the side of her futon, despite the darkness that had completely consumed the room. She didn't have the knowledge as to the exact current time, but her biological clock told her it was well over midnight. She had been tremendously tired, and she was fortunate to be allowed the few hours sleep. Her thoughts were on Kenshin, her fingers on the sakbatou. It was amazing how minimal sleep could make one think that much more rationally; instead of sulking over as soon as waking, Kaoru found herself thinking strangely calmly.

Just what had happened to Kenshin? Kaoru pondered, finding it overwhelmingly difficult to suppress all feelings of dread and sorrow from arising to her chest. Soon, however, all of those feelings consumed her, and between them all she told herself that it didn't matter; she couldn't be with him. Her life was destined for loneliness and suffering.

Then, strangely, sorrow led to anger, and the anger to blame; it wasn't her fault, after all. What had she done wrong? And that was the point at which Kaoru made a subconscious decision unbeknownst to herself – it wasn't her fault. It was Kenshin's fault. And although her heart ached for Kenshin and herself, she realized that she could not honestly forgive her father's killer.

Kenshin felt quite comfortable, although the throbbing pain in his head, albeit subdued, constantly nagged him still. He vaguely remembered his confrontation – if it could be called that – with Shin, and various sights around him as he walked away after. As soon as he moved a muscle, all kinds of aching sensations attacked his body. Surely, he had been laying there for a while. Kenshin attempted to use his elbows and lower arms to elevate his body with great difficulty, but fell flat back down immediately.

How pathetic. What idiot would have saved him? He should just have died, Kenshin told himself. As soon as he would see his saviour, he would give his thanks and leave. In fact, he would do that right now. It didn't matter that he couldn't even sit; he just needed to lie there for a few minutes to regain some conscious energy.

He heard the shoji open, and raised his head to address the man that had entered – or, rather, the woman that had entered.

Kenshin stared without emotion. Great – another stupid, innocent woman who doesn't know what she's gotten herself into.

"Ohayo," the woman greeted, almost playfully. Indeed, it was dusk rather than morning.

The woman kneeled next to him, placing a basin next to him. From within she took out a cloth, which she wringed thoroughly.

Kenshin simply laid there, eyes half open, as she applied the very warm cloth to his head.

"Thank you for saving me," Kenshin stated straightforwardly.

"It was no problem. I thought you were dead, actually." Kenshin couldn't tell if the words were playful this time around.

"How long have I been here?"

"About four days... what is your name?" The latter part wasn't added as an afterthought; she had been wondering, no doubt.

"Himura... Himura Kenshin." He didn't ask bother to ask for her name.

"I'm Kayumi," the woman replied readily.

Well, wasn't this a week of finding similar names, Kenshin thought wryly. First there was Shin, and now this Kayumi.

"You shouldn't have saved me," he suddenly stated.

Kayumi stopped her hands, surprise evident on her face.

"Why do you say that? Would you rather have died?"

"Yes. I deserve to die." It almost came out like a child whining. His tone spoke otherwise though.

Kayumi didn't know what to say in reply to that. Instead, her hands resumed to clean his face with the warm cloth.

Kenshin subconsciously inspected her face hovering a good distance over his. She had black hair, of course. And quite a pretty face too – a bright, cute and undeniably beautiful face.

"May I be as rude to ask your age?" Kenshin had no idea what made him ask such a personal question.

Kayumi seemed slightly startled, but proceeded to answer.

"Twenty-one. And I'm suspecting you are maybe a few years older."

"I am twenty-nine," Kenshin replied. He had to admit he somewhat liked breaking his age to wrongly suspecting people.

"Oh." Kayumi uttered. "Surprising."

Kenshin couldn't help but make a small smile at that. He remembered Kaoru's reaction to the fact, which was quite a bit more extravagant than Kayumi's. And everything that had happened was re-entering his consciousness full-force, as if in volatile reaction to the thought of Kaoru.

Kayumi noticed the sadness clouding his eyes.

"You must have had hard times," she said sympathetically.

Kenshin didn't reply, and instead closed his eyes. Kayumi stood, carrying her basin in her arms.

"I'll boil some rice porridge. You shouldn't eat hard food yet."

With that, Kayumi shut the shoji behind her.

BR 

BR 

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Author's Note: This is my first update in over a year! I was checking my account and came across a couple of reviews for this story that were written recently – and I decided to continue the story. Note, though, that this chapter was written about ten months ago. I just put the finishing touches on it and decided release it. That's why this chapter is so short – I was only in the middle of writing this chapter last year, but now I decided to release this just to let people know the story's continuing. Please write me some reviews so that I can decide if the story is worth continuing!

JS


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